Bully Bully Dealing with Children and Adults Who Bully

Bullying is nothing new. Individuals and groups, young and old and of all genders, have misused their power in purposeful and ongoing ways to hurt others throughout history. Unfortunately, among the many ill effects of 21st century technology and the current pandemic, our nation has experienced an upswing in childhood mental illness, and bullying is a major cause. Aggressors have novel ways to spew their vitriol, victims are more vulnerable, and bystanders have new ways to remain covert. Not only are bullies to be found among classmates, but students may suffer bullying from the very people who should be trusted and honored—teachers and parents. Adults are victims too, but the focus for the words that follow will be children from preschool through high school.


Indeed, percentages for anxiety, depression, and suicide among school-age children have climbed. The fallout from the pandemic itself— lockdowns, isolation, worry about illness, family frictions, and insecurity about friendships—add to the fragility of social and emotional health. Victims are people who seem to be unusual; they don’t match the norms harbored in the bully’s mind. Middle school students are the most vulnerable, followed by high schoolers, and elementary children. Sadly, recent decades of research in neuroscience and child development have confirmed that sustained abuse has lifelong impacts. Lives can be ruined.


Solid and extensive research from earlier, 20th century group-dynamics experts can provide helpful insights.* What traits does a bully have? Three major clusters of qualities and the impacts they evoke follow:

• (a) Self-promotion: Statements like “I am . . . I can . . . I did . . .” tend to evoke one-upsmanship;
• (b) Put-downs: hurtful insults in cases of “You are . . .” statements evoke offense or refute; and
• (c) Dominance: Giving orders without pretense of, or actual, listening, evoke feelings of “You do it yourself.”

What are some types of bullying behaviors? When any of the following are intentional and ongoing, they qualify.
(a) Physical harm, or the implied threat of it, as in “If you tell on me, you’ll be REALLY SORRY!”
(b) Verbal insults, put-downs, and body language as in “Oh, YOU are SO important!” (Eye-roll and toss of the head)
(c) Social lies and spreading gossip as in “She says her shoes are Nikes, but they’re really just cheap knockoffs.”

How do adult bullies differ from the younger sort? In classrooms and homes, the grownups have power to punish or disparage in ways that go beyond reasonable discipline. Persistent teasing, taunting, name-calling, stereotyping, and cultural slurs are somehow deemed “necessary” in the minds of bullying adults. Bullies themselves are most often insecure individuals who feel the need to control and realize emotional rewards, even if they are ill-defined. Although school spankings and other forms of corporal punishment have been outlawed in the majority of states, nineteen states still permit it according to the U.S. National Library of Medicine. Among parents, a perennial debate is about whether to spank or not. The Museum of Teaching and Learning acknowledges the stance taken by the American Psychological Association with its work to stop spanking and substitute other consequences for student and child misbehaviors.


How do bullies get away with it? An array of circumstances support bullies and their behaviors. The inactivity of bystanders who feel threatened themselves and do not know how to respond is a major contributing factor. Victims who repeatedly accept the abuse fall prey to its continuance. And, all too often, the bully is able to attract admirers who have similar desires to subjugate a victim. Without knowledge of what to do and how to do it, victims and bystanders are powerless.


What to do? Sometimes parents and teachers advise their young people to “just ignore it.” Unfortunately, that is not the solution. Remaining calm is not easy, but is the way to begin. Once victims realize it is bullying and not a one-time occurrence, they should deal quickly and take a stand. Advice is to find a support group, don’t keep it secret, and make sure they portray they not going to stand for it. All of us need to recognize that professional counseling is a way to help victims, but is also a way to help bullies overcome their low esteem and negative emotional health.


In conclusion, it appears that any success in altering the prominence of bullies in our society will depend upon citizens’ rejecting bully behavior as acceptable. Calling it what it is (bullying) and calling it out (as wrong) is just a start. In order to make any real difference, it will take a concerted effort to build strong individuals who have a good sense of self and worth. The road ahead, for this and many other problems, is long and winding.


References:
The Effects of Bullying on Mental Health - Best Day Psychiatry & Counseling
The Top Reasons Why People Bully | BetterHelp
The case against spanking
*References include Benne & Sheats (1948); Bonner (1959); Hatch, J.A. (1987).


Submitted by Greta Nagel
MOTAL President and CEO
We Educate People About Education